The Wonderful Wizard of Hogwarts
by MadSparrow
Summary: Why is everyone around Harry acting so strangely? Hopefully the Wizard can sort it out, right? A Wizard of Oz HP Parody. (Written for the Quidditch League, Round Three.)
Round Three – Word Restricted Team Pride

Chaser Three for the Tutshill Tornadoes

 **Task** : Your team name included anywhere in your story - **Tornadoes**

 **Word Count Restriction** : 2751 – 3000 ( **Final Word Count** : 2864)

 **Chaser Optional Prompts** : (genre) Parody, (emotion) surprise, (quote) 'Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.' – Maya Angelou

 **A/N** : I've attempted to do a Wizard of Oz Parody - not entirely sure how successful this is going to be… In case it's not clear, the words in italics are Harry's thoughts.

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own anything!

 **The Wonderful Wizard of Hogwarts**

The wind whistled wildly around him, stinging his face and making his eyes water. His heart leapt into his throat as Harry felt the tail-end of his broom get caught by a particularly strong gust. Then, he was spiralling up and up, caught in the relentless power of the storm that had seemed to come out of nowhere.

 _This can't be good_ , was his last thought before everything went dark.

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Harry came to, alone and disorientated, in the Charms classroom of all places. He crossed to the door, glancing out into the corridor, only to immediately wish he hadn't. He blinked several times to ensure he wasn't imagining things. There was a lion in front of him. An actual _lion_.

As he approached it cautiously, he noticed the undeniable glimmer of tears in its dark eyes. Feeling ridiculous, Harry cleared his throat and managed in a mostly stable voice, "Excuse me… are you…alright?"

The lion looked up with a start, "Oh, Harry! I didn't see you there!"

A frown crossed Harry's face. ' _Great… so not only was there a huge lion wearing Gryffindor robes in the middle of the Charms corridor… it could talk. And it apparently knew his name. But then again, who didn't?'_

"I'm sorry, have we met?"

To his surprise, the lion gave a watery laugh. "It's me, Harry! It's Neville! Are you feeling okay? You look a little peaky."

"Neville? Right…of course. Neville **.** _ **Neville**_ _!?_ "

Harry supposed he could see it – the curly hair ( _mane!),_ the open expression. And there was definitely something of Neville in the way those large paws clutched the scarlet Remembrall like a lifeline. He was somewhere between deciding he was having a very weird dream and wondering how best to tell your friend they'd apparently grown a tail and a lot of fur when he realised the lion… _Neville_ had been speaking.

"-if you would help me. I mean, Gryffindors are supposed to be brave, right?" A furry paw shook the Remembrall at Harry, "And I can't remember where I've left my courage."

"Uh… right. You've lost your courage. Of course. Well, that's just…well." There was a hysterical laugh bubbling up inside Harry's throat as he met the hopeful feline's gaze. "No problem. We'll just find it- er, I mean find someone. We'll find someone to fix this."

"I know!" Lion-Neville exclaimed, "We can go to the Wizard! He can give me my courage back!"

Harry latched onto this plan, asking "The Wizard? Do you mean Dumbledore?"

Neville wrinkled his pointed nose, shivering. "Dumbledore? I didn't know he was called that… All I've heard is that he lives in the topmost tower of the Castle and that he's frightfully powerful."

"Right," Harry decided, "Let's go to Dumbledore…the Wizard. Come on, he will sort all this out – he'll find your courage." _And hopefully turn you back to normal,_ he thought privately, determinedly not watching Neville's whiskers twitch.

Together, they set off down the corridor in the direction of Dumbledore's office. Harry was attempting to think of something to say to distract him from the unsettling clicking sound of Neville's claws on the flagstones when they were halted by the sound of frantic mumbling from around the corner.

Neville had a look of fear present on his furry face as they both stopped in their tracks. "W-what is that? Do you think it's the W-wicked Witch?" He managed, trembling.

"No," Harry replied, listening carefully, "That sounds like… Hermione?"

The sense of relief that he'd felt upon hearing one of his best friend's voices quickly dissipated when she actually came into view. Hermione didn't notice them straight away, buried as she was in a textbook. When she did look up, Harry could feel himself becoming hysterical. It was Hermione…but it wasn't _Hermione_.

"Hermione!" It came out slightly strangled. "Your hair! Your _face_!" His voiced reached a dangerously high pitch. "It's all… _straw!_ "

"Oh Harry, honestly. You can be so dramatic sometimes. I've got bigger things to worry about than the state of my hair right now! I don't have a brain and we've got exams coming up and I can't learn anything!"

Harry was momentarily speechless as he glanced between the faces of his deformed friends… _this is the weirdest day ever,_ he thought feverishly.

Straw-Hermione had apparently taken his silence as a cue to continue ranting, "And where have you been!? You're supposed to have been in the library helping me find a spell to fix this! How do you expect me to pass my exams without a brain? What was so much more important than helping me, like you promised? I suppose you've been chasing after Ron again, is that it?"

As Harry did a rather spectacular impression of a goldfish, Neville stuttered out "S-sorry, H-Hermione. Harry's b-been helping me. We're going to find the Wizard to see if he can help me get my courage back – I've lost it."

Hermione's woody face lit up with excitement. "Oh, why didn't I think of that before?" She exclaimed, "Of course! The Wizard can give me a brain and then I can learn everything I need to pass my exams! Come on!"

Beaming, she grabbed Harry and Neville by the arms and started down the hallway. Harry was distantly aware of the crackling sound of straw, as he looked down to see the fingers that were clutching his arm were made of wood.

"Hang on, Hermione." Pulling himself free from the twiggy grasp, Harry struggled to formulate a coherent thought. "Don't you see anything wrong here?"

She looked annoyed at being stopped. Tapping her foot impatiently and shaking her hay-strands out of her face, she asked "What is possibly wrong here, Harry? Are you feeling alright?"

"I remember asking him that earlier!" Neville chimed in, unhelpfully brandishing his Remembrall in Harry's face.

"I'm fine!" Harry all but shouted back. "It's everyone else that's acting strangely!" He gestured wildly at the pair of them. "You, Hermione, you're a bloody scarecrow! Your face is straw! It's actually made of _straw_! You're the cleverest person I know and yet you're claiming to not even have a brain! How does that even work? How could you possibly even be talking to me right now if you didn't have a brain? In fact, you've probably got the biggest brain out of anyone in the history of, well, everyone! And then, to make things worse, you're all talking about some Wizard, which I can only guess is Dumbledore, but no one seems to even know who Dumbledore is! I mean, 'Wizard' could mean anyone, right? Especially considering we go to a school full of wizards, but neither of you seems to think that's relevant. And since when has Neville been this, this…fluffy!? He's got claws! And a tail. He's got an actual tail! Why am I the only one who is bothered by any of this? For all I know Voldemort is trying out some weird new form of torture by making you all-"

"HARRY! You're rambling." Hermione cut off his hysterical babbling, her face a mixture of annoyance and worry. "Did you hit your head? Do you feel feverish? Because you're acting very strangely today." She exchanged an exasperated look with Neville. "We don't really have time for this… perhaps the Wizard can sort you out? He'll probably have answers for you."

"Right…" Harry muttered weakly, "And it comes back to this bloody Wizard."

He cast around for some normal subject to grasp onto, something that didn't involve Neville's unsettling amount of hair or Hermione's twiggy rustling. "Where's Ron?" He asked, "I haven't seen him yet."

To his surprise, Hermione tutted at him and her voice took on an accusative tone. "Honestly, Harry. Why would I know where Ron is? I keep telling you – you should put him on a leash. At least that way you wouldn't keep losing him every five minutes."

 _Did he even want to know why he'd need to keep his best friend on a lead?_ He caught sight of Neville chewing nervously on his claws. _Probably safer not to ask_ , he thought.

Harry was saved from having to voice his horror at the thought of Ron in a collar, by a sharp shout that echoed down the dim hallway.

"Potter, Granger, Longbottom!" Snape billowed towards them, "What are you doing, loitering in this hallway?"

Harry struggled to find words as the bat-like professor loomed menacingly over the three of them. _Hasn't he noticed how weird this all is? If this whole day turned out to be some kind of practical joke, Snape would put a stop to it, right? Humour usually seemed to insult him on a fundamental level,_ Harry thought desperately.

Surprisingly, it was Neville who spoke up. Puffing out his chest, he squeaked "Stand aside! We're on a mission! We're off to see the Wizard! He's going to find me my courage and give Hermione a brain!"

Closing his eyes, Harry waited for Snape to lose it and just curse the three of them off the face of the planet. _Goodbye House Cup…turns out Gryffindor won't be winning you this year... Honestly, of all the times for Neville to find his Lion's courage…_

However, when the anticipated doom failed to be delivered, Harry squinted his eyes open, only to immediately wish he hadn't.

Snape was crying. _Crying_. Well, not quite. But his dark eyes were glittering with unshed tears and his lower lip was looking suspiciously tremulous. Of all the weird things that had happened today, this was definitely the most unsettling. Harry flailed, unable to quite grasp that his most-hated, practically soulless Potions Professor was _crying_.

"Um, Sir? Are you…okay?" Hermione was either incredibly brave or incredibly suicidal as she patted Snape on the arm. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Snape sniffed, "It's just… it's this." He pulled down the collar of his robes to reveal an expanse of shiny metal.

There was a moment of disorientation, where Harry stared dumbly at his reflection in Snape's chest, unable to follow this strange turn of events. _Why was Snape showing them his armour? Why was he even wearing bloody armour, for that matter?_

It was only when the pale-faced Professor knocked on his chest with a clenched fist and a hollow clanging noise resounded, did Harry realise. _It wasn't some weird kind of slimy Death-Eater breast-plate. Snape literally was made of metal. Huh._

"It's hollow. I'm hollow. It's just empty space. I don't have a heart."

"Well, that explains a lot." His traitorous mouth had spoken before Harry had even registered the thought. _True… It did kind of fit. Of every out of place thing today, Snape without a heart had to be the least unnerving. The man probably doesn't even know what love is._

"Harry! How can you be so insensitive?" Hermione glared at him, Neville frowning along with her. Then she smiled, a determined glint in her eyes. "Don't worry, Professor! Come with us! The Wizard will be able to help you! He'll give you a heart."

The glistening in Snape's eyes took on a somewhat hopeful sheen.

"Do you really think he can help? I've dreamt of what it would be like to feel, to be in love, to-"

"Sure, he'll be able to help," Harry cut him off hastily before his heartless Professor could start waxing love poems and baring any more of his body parts – metal or otherwise. "Let's just…go. Now."

The pace at which he set off could have given his Firebolt a run for its money. Dumbledore would be able to sort this out, if only Harry could actually get to him without running into any more nightmares.

 _Nearly there_ , he thought desperately. He was resolutely ignoring the click-clack of claws, the crackling of straw and the hollow clanging of metal that intermingled with his own echoing footsteps, to let him known his strange entourage was right behind him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Harry breathed a sigh of relief as the familiar gargoyle came into view. As they drew up beside it, he realised with a dawning anguish that he didn't actually know the password.

"Uh, Sherbet Lemon?" He guessed, crossing his fingers.

The gargoyle remained still and silent. Right, so he'd have to try saying every sweet ever. _Great_.

"Pepper Imps? Fizzing Whizbees? Cockroach Clusters, Sugar Quills, Acid Pops, Chocolate Frogs?" Each listed delicacy was said in an ever-increasingly desperate voice. " _Please_. I really need to get in to see Professor Dumbledore. It's important!"

"Munchkin Mallows." Snape spoke unexpectedly, his sombre voice curling around the syllables.

"How did you-?" Harry was cut off as the gargoyle sprang to life.

"The Wizard will see you now." It announced. Harry watched as the staircase up to Dumbledore's office came into view.

When they reached the top of the staircase, Harry was beyond glad. He'd tripped over Neville's wayward tail no less than three times on the journey up. He raised his hand to knock on the aged wooden door, Hermione buzzing with excitement next to him, shedding straw as she trembled.

"Do you think he's really as fearsome as they say?" Neville whispered, giving a small squeak of fear when a deep voice echoed from within.

"Enter."

Harry pushed open the door.

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Before he could even glimpse the Headmaster, Harry was nearly bowled over by a madly barking ball of auburn fur. He managed to grab the excited animal by the collar, holding it at arm's length, as Hermione cried,

"Ron! He was here the whole time, Harry!"

"Right." Just when he'd thought there might be a way out of this ridiculous situation, he's faced with this. _My best friend is an actual dog_ , Harry thought distantly, taking in the tiny maroon knitted sweater that adorned the madly wriggling animal, embellished with a slightly misshapen letter R. "This is Ron. Of course. Ron is…a dog. My dog. Okay." _Well, they do say a dog is a man's best friend…_

He held out the animal towards Dumbledore.

"Fix this. My friends are not supposed to be like this!" He gestured at the group behind him. "And, y'know, Snape too. You should probably fix him." He shuddered at the memory of Snape's shiny chest. "Definitely fix him."

"Fix them?" Dumbledore's aged hands reached out to take the dog ( _Ron_ , his brain helpfully supplied) from Harry. "There's nothing wrong them." He placed the little dog on his desk and began rummaging through his top drawer. "Ah-hah!"

Dumbledore drew out a little metal tin that rattled when he shook it. As he opened the lid and offered it to the dog, Harry caught a glimpse of sticky yellow sweets. _Of course_ , he thought. _Sweets always fix everything._

Harry tried to swallow the urge to scream hysterically as Dumbledore patted the dog's curly red hair, unfazed, whilst Ron drooled Sherbet Lemon juice over what looked like an important letter from the Minister of Magic.

"Now, I understand you've come to seek my help?" The Headmaster enquired. "Well, I can certainly give you what you need."

Hermione spoke, startling Harry who'd almost forgotten the others were still in the room. "You can? But I thought you said there was nothing to fix?"

Dumbledore smiled, "My dear, don't worry. There is something I can offer you all that will help you live with courage, with extraordinary brainpower and with love. I can offer you some advice." He paused for dramatic effect, before continuing with a flourish of his hand, "I must tell you that you should always try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud."

There was a moment of strained silence, broken only by the sound of Ron snuffling and licking his paws.

"Is that it? Is that really all you've got?" Everything was getting hazy, as the panic he'd been feeling all day finally caught up with him. Harry struggled to breathe, not even registering Hermione muttering about trying to figure out Dumbledore's riddle, because _oh, God please can I wake up from this awful dream now._

As everything started to go dark from what he assumed was a lack of oxygen, Harry was distantly aware of someone calling his name.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Harry! Harry! I think he's waking up!"

Harry blinked open groggy eyes to be faced with the blurry ceiling of the Hospital Wing. Someone slipped his glasses onto his face.

Hermione was leaning over him, looking worried. Harry had never been happier to see her bushy brown locks in his life.

"Are you alright, Harry? What do you remember? You fell off your broom during practice last night."

Ron grinned his human smile at him from his seat beside Hermione. "Yeah! It looked pretty cool actually! You got swept up in this massive tornado thing that some fourth year conjured by accident."

"A tornado?" Harry asked, struggling to remember.

"You don't remember anything?" Hermione leant forward as she spoke. As her hair fell forward across her face, Harry noticed something caught behind her ear. It looked like… a piece of straw?

He laughed nervously, glancing down at his bedsheets. His sheets that were covered in tiny little auburn…dog hairs?

"All I know is that I've just had the weirdest dream…"


End file.
